Messy business

So, I have been a bit remiss in keeping up-to-date. Several changes have occurred in our lives. We moved (a biggie!) and Peach and Mr. Snuggles have started a new preschool/daycare. The professional work part of life for my husband and me has stayed the same. (So, only the youngest two in our family who understand the least why things change in life (often for the better) have changed homes and schools -- eeek! I guess they will be accustomed to change as they get older). Moving, as everyone knows is messy. It is either messy at the point of departure or messy at the point of arrival and sometimes it is messy both places. We had the most "messy" at the point of arrival. You see, the previous owners of our new home did not clean their home. Not on a regular basis, nor at the point of their departure. I will spare the details but let's just say there were several runs to our local (oh what am I saying, national) super store for various cleaning supplies. It is still not as clean as I want it but back to work we went. It has brought up for me feelings I have about keeping house. On my good days I am not very hard on myself and I just recognize that when both partners work full time in demanding jobs and have no maid, the house is allowed to be a little unkempt. It is OK. On my not so good days, I feel incredibly guilty and really just yucky that I haven't dusted, vacuumed, straightened, deep-cleaned, organized, etc. It is not really the guilt that gets the best of me. It is the deep desire to dust, vacuum, straighten, deep-clean and organize that gets me. When I was single, I cleaned my apartment every Friday evening or Saturday morning without fail. I loved waking up to a clean home, ready to entertain others or just myself. It was my "clean slate" feeling kind of like the feeling you have when starting a new year or semester in school. Everything is as fresh as new notebooks and unsharpened pencils. Yes, I loved that feeling. But as I recall, those evenings and afternoons after said deep-clean, I would always be wishing and hoping for a date that would lead to another date and then a richer life with a partner and children than the creamy ice cream I would be eating for dessert. So, I suppose when all is said and done, I would rather have the mess of children and a loved home than no mess at all.

Guilty (Part 1 of ?)

Oh, Mother Guilt. So many fellow bloggers and authors have written about the guilt mothers feel,  much more eloquently than I will. But, it wouldn’t be a blog about a mother working in a professional job without a post about guilt. This may the first of several times I write about it because I have this feeling a lot.

By the way, I am at Panera again, working solo. About 20 feet from me, facing me is a mother with her 4 children – three who are toddler age and 1 infant (as is said in the South, bless you, mother of 4). She seems to be a formidable mother conveying authority even though she is just sitting down and playing a game on her phone and her children are seated and standing in various profiles. A minute ago she stated, sternly “Absolutely not” to a question of one of her children that sounded like, “can we play in the water in the bathroom?” Absolutely not. There’s an excellent way of stating oneself. And, it ended it! The child did not ask any more. The mother then followed up with, “we may leave and go play at a park or you may color here at the table.” Now had that been me, I probably would have gently said, “no, honey, that is not a good idea because the bathroom is rather dirty and you could get very wet and you do not like wet clothes.”  Then, I may have stated what she said by providing other alternatives of activities. But, I don’t think I would have just come out and said, “Absolutely not.” Why not? That seems to be the easiest approach and so frickin’ effective! Next time, I’m saying, “Absolutely not.” So glad I do work at Panera, it’s like a office with a parenting lab in it.

Back to the guilt. In the afternoons, when I pick up Mr. Snuggles, an incredible kind sage of a woman is caring for him. She is grandmotherly, soft in her voice and demeanor. Well, Mr. Snuggles wasn’t feeling so good Friday afternoon and she let me know why she thought he was a little under the weather. “You know, he could be adjusting to being here full time now.” Thud. That was the bowling ball feeling of guilt crashing down in my gut. And then there was that awkward moment where your child’s caregiver is holding your child and you’re just standing there and every cell in your body is crying out, “GIVE ME MY BABY!!” Of course you can’t say that and you start to reach out your arms but then you notice that your child is quite content, calm, smiley and giving your child’s caregiver those appreciative eyes. Cheater, you think. Pin a big red “W” on my chest that stands for “Working.” Yep, guilty. Please forgive me, Mr. Snuggles! And then my mind goes down a path of rationalization, justification and apologies. It always ends with the question, “why, again, am I working?”  In an attempt to remain mindful and embrace the questions themselves, I will just recognize that this still is the question I am attempting to answer through this blog. Thus, I succumb to patience, once again.

Splitting

Last Wednesday I had a meeting at Panera. I love meetings at Panera. The kids were dropped off with relative ease, I had pumped in the car (gotta love the car adapter!) and was looking forward to my new favorite drink: small “half caff” with a shot of sugar free vanilla syrup. I was looking forward to meeting with my colleagues on a project that had lots of potential for positive change.  The meeting started off great, energized by my beverage (side bar: what do moms do without coffee? Whether you’re employed outside the home or working inside you’re humble abode, how do mothers function without coffee? There has been one time in my life when I was sans caffeine all day and I was exercising a lot, was only responsible for myself – being a grad student you know --  and could get a glorious 8 hours of sleep each night. Those characteristics of my life will never happen again so I seriously don’t think I will ever go without the glorious bean. End side bar) and the discussion of my colleagues.  And then they started trickling in – the cute mothers with their cute children meeting other cute mothers with their cute children. I could imagine their phone conversations a few days, maybe hours before “let’s meet at Panera at the mall! We can catch up and the kids can play. It can be a child AND mommy play date!” I could imagine those phone conversations because I had had those conversations with friends before. Suddenly the jealousy, doubt and guilt interrupted my nice meeting with nice colleagues and favorite beverage. Trying to refocus, I acknowledged and validated my own feelings (nice job psychologist-moml), recognizing that come Saturday or even another day off, I can do the exact mommy-kid play date that I was witnessing. OK, great. Moving on.

The rest of the meeting continued to go well and was actually productive. I felt boosted by my colleagues' plans and the projects underway and headed back to the actual office in which I would do more work. Reflecting on this experience, I realized how often I, and other mothers I know, feel like they are splitting parts of themselves when they have a professional job, outside the home. A little part of themselves goes here, another little part of themselves goes there. And like the yin and yang of life, wherever she is, she is thinking of the other part of herself that “should” be in the other place.  Now, typically I am not wanting to be doing my professional work while playing with my kids but I am sometimes thinking of what I need to be doing or what I will be doing once I go back on Monday. I think that this is an inevitable “given” of when you work outside the home and work inside the home. And it goes beyond that – I think this is a given for anyone who has a multifaceted life. Very few of us are able to dedicate 100% of our energy to one activity, even raising our children. So, even if I were not working professionally, I would probably feel split between housework, cooking, being a good partner to my husband, being a good friend and volunteering. Realizing this, it is rather reassuring that even if I did not choose to work professionally, I would still feel split. Now, I won’t question whether or not I am rationalizing, I will just be comfortable with my decision for now.

Sick Leave

Mr. Snuggles is sick. When I awoke late Friday night, he was burning up and sure enough had a fever. Poor little guy. This is the first time he has been sick enough for us to actually take his temperature thinking it might be something serious. After a quick trip to Urgent Care (of course these bugs always hit on the weekend), we just need to ride it out. So, after counting how many hours of sleep I've gotten in the past two nights (6, I think, not terrible - funny how your standards change!), I think about my "first" day back at work and how it won't be on Monday. Again, come the mixed feelings. I was kind of looking forward to getting into the business of work, knowing that if I didn't finish what I started on Monday, I would be back the very next day. I wouldn't have to have a day in between where I lost the momentum of working. In addition, there was less of a chance I would forget why I was working on what I was working on. This is one downside I noticed while working part time on an every-other-day schedule. I actually got a little giddy around 11:00 AM during the work day, thinking, wow! I've actually done something more productive than change a diaper and put a dish in the dishwasher today! Sure, I'd look at my To-Do list at work and have that "woe-is-me-people-must-think-I-am-the-biggest-slacker-there-is-no-way-I'll-get-all-this-done" feeling. But, I was also energized by my work. Then, around 3:30 when I realized what was realistic and what wasn't for me to get done by the time I had to leave to pick up the kiddos, I would feel a bit crestfallen, knowing I wouldn't see these papers and this energizing work for another 36 hours or so. Trust me, I'm sure you're thinking, "this gal used "crestfallen" when talking about having to leave work?!" I'll be thinking that in a few weeks, I'm sure.

So, tomorrow it will be me and a cooler Mr. Snuggles, hopefully, hanging out once again. I can think of worse ways to spend a Monday. 

The Beginning

I go back to work full time, in an actual office where people expect me to be productive (you know, initiate and return emails, send resources, write new material, organize and lead meetings, etc.), on Monday. Today is Friday, my last day of part-time maternity leave which started when our now 4 1/2 month-old son was born. My feelings are mixed minute-by-minute. One minute I peek out the window at 6:30 in the morning and see our neighbor drive off into the darkness and I am envious. Yes, actually envious that this neighbor gets to zip off in her car with music of her choosing, in a car likely not littered by cheerios, to a place where she gets to do meaningful work with like-minded colleagues all while seeing the sun rise as she drinks her hot coffee. Then, my attention is drawn back to the softest and tiniest hand to touch my arm as if to say, "don't leave, I love cuddling with you in the wee hours of the morning." See, minute-by-minute.

As way of providing background, I have an advanced degree (OK, Ph.D.) in a pretty specific field but because I don't want to give myself totally away, let's just call it child development. With my energetic, enthusiastic and funny (at times side-splitting) husband we have an equally energetic (maybe double the energy and enthusiasm) just turned 3 year-old (in fact, I just finished a piece of her birthday cake from last night) and the baby mentioned above. I will refer to the baby boy as Mr. Snuggles and to our daughter as Peach. My husband and I work during the day with people we really like, doing jobs (we are both in the "helping" professions, which makes me laugh because I'm not sure there is a single profession that doesn't involve helping) that are meaningful to us. During the day both of our children attend a center day care, (which we refer to as "school," that I have thought was a good idea until this last week when I haven't been all that thrilled with some behaviors of the teachers, thus fearing that the word "school" will forever be tainted and our daughter will not want to go to "real" school in a few years - ACK!) This would illustrate Problem #1 with having way too much knowledge and experience with the "kid world" to be productive with my own kid. See, too much schooling can be a bad thing.

Speaking of that schooling, a colleague, who happens to also be a really close friend, and I were discussing how really, our Ph.D.s are our first "baby." So, it is a moderately weird struggle of deciding how to embrace this first baby and not neglect it.  After all, I said to my friend, "blood, sweat and tears were poured into this first baby of ours." And, now that I think about it, labor lasted like 3 years if we pile the hardest parts of graduate school (comprehensive exams, oral exams, dissertation and internship) all together. That's a long birthing process, baby. Thus, the decision to "just" give that up to focus our energies elsewhere is not taken lightly. Truth be told, many women these days have poured that same blood, sweat and tears into their lives prior to having children. And for many more, while having children! Now those women in my book, along with the single mothers, like-single mothers, and mothers of multiples deserve sainthood.Whether it is a Ph.D. for some or a high school diploma for others, schooling in and of itself is like having a baby.
  
Before having Mr. Snuggles, I may have given working in my chosen profession part-time a passing glance but never really thought I could give up my career. On days when I had been home with just our daughter, I had nearly gone crazy (and I can't even really say why) so staying home with two children was just beyond comprehension. That changed after Mr. Snuggles was born. As his name suggests, he is snuggly, soft, smiley and stinkin' cute. (Peach was all of these adjectives too as a baby and now has blossomed into an inquisitive, persistent, determined - at times "hell-bent" -- clever and funny girl). I think (me, oh wise one with 4 1/2 months of experience with two children) that my feelings changed about the possibility of being home with my children because my confidence as a mother just seemed to bloom. Suddenly going to the grocery store with infant in tow does not seem all that daunting. It follows that going to the same grocery store with two isn't that daunting either. And with a good list, some snacks and a whole lotta deep breathing it can be done. So, I began to question how invested I was to returning to work full time and how intrigued I was about staying with, teaching and playing at home with our children, I decided I needed an outlet for considering this decision. (I really began to question it when I received a letter that tuition at "school" was going up - I addressed those immediate feelings with a few cups of moose tracks ice cream). Thus, this blog.

I have been fortunate, I know, to have a job that allowed me to take a 6 week full time hiatus and a 12 week part-time gig, where much of the work I do is at home. But even I know when I'm pushing things so back to work I go. I am also fortunate, I know, to have our children cared for by people who I like a lot, trust and who provide enriching and fun activities for our children. So, going back to work when my day will be delightfully interrupted by pictures of Mr. Snuggles and notes about Peach being a leader is certainly more tolerable.

Throughout this writing journey I hope to explore my own thoughts and feelings about balancing working in my career and working in creating a home and working to raise two children in this ever changing world. When I thought a blog was the best way to process through this decision (input from readers is essential!), I thought I would write for a while and miraculously a decision would seem obvious! Quit my current job, change jobs, go part-time, keep my job, etc. -- whatever it was, an answer would be at the end of this rainbow blog. But I'm not so sure. I just know it will be a journey worth taking.