The Beginning

I go back to work full time, in an actual office where people expect me to be productive (you know, initiate and return emails, send resources, write new material, organize and lead meetings, etc.), on Monday. Today is Friday, my last day of part-time maternity leave which started when our now 4 1/2 month-old son was born. My feelings are mixed minute-by-minute. One minute I peek out the window at 6:30 in the morning and see our neighbor drive off into the darkness and I am envious. Yes, actually envious that this neighbor gets to zip off in her car with music of her choosing, in a car likely not littered by cheerios, to a place where she gets to do meaningful work with like-minded colleagues all while seeing the sun rise as she drinks her hot coffee. Then, my attention is drawn back to the softest and tiniest hand to touch my arm as if to say, "don't leave, I love cuddling with you in the wee hours of the morning." See, minute-by-minute.

As way of providing background, I have an advanced degree (OK, Ph.D.) in a pretty specific field but because I don't want to give myself totally away, let's just call it child development. With my energetic, enthusiastic and funny (at times side-splitting) husband we have an equally energetic (maybe double the energy and enthusiasm) just turned 3 year-old (in fact, I just finished a piece of her birthday cake from last night) and the baby mentioned above. I will refer to the baby boy as Mr. Snuggles and to our daughter as Peach. My husband and I work during the day with people we really like, doing jobs (we are both in the "helping" professions, which makes me laugh because I'm not sure there is a single profession that doesn't involve helping) that are meaningful to us. During the day both of our children attend a center day care, (which we refer to as "school," that I have thought was a good idea until this last week when I haven't been all that thrilled with some behaviors of the teachers, thus fearing that the word "school" will forever be tainted and our daughter will not want to go to "real" school in a few years - ACK!) This would illustrate Problem #1 with having way too much knowledge and experience with the "kid world" to be productive with my own kid. See, too much schooling can be a bad thing.

Speaking of that schooling, a colleague, who happens to also be a really close friend, and I were discussing how really, our Ph.D.s are our first "baby." So, it is a moderately weird struggle of deciding how to embrace this first baby and not neglect it.  After all, I said to my friend, "blood, sweat and tears were poured into this first baby of ours." And, now that I think about it, labor lasted like 3 years if we pile the hardest parts of graduate school (comprehensive exams, oral exams, dissertation and internship) all together. That's a long birthing process, baby. Thus, the decision to "just" give that up to focus our energies elsewhere is not taken lightly. Truth be told, many women these days have poured that same blood, sweat and tears into their lives prior to having children. And for many more, while having children! Now those women in my book, along with the single mothers, like-single mothers, and mothers of multiples deserve sainthood.Whether it is a Ph.D. for some or a high school diploma for others, schooling in and of itself is like having a baby.
  
Before having Mr. Snuggles, I may have given working in my chosen profession part-time a passing glance but never really thought I could give up my career. On days when I had been home with just our daughter, I had nearly gone crazy (and I can't even really say why) so staying home with two children was just beyond comprehension. That changed after Mr. Snuggles was born. As his name suggests, he is snuggly, soft, smiley and stinkin' cute. (Peach was all of these adjectives too as a baby and now has blossomed into an inquisitive, persistent, determined - at times "hell-bent" -- clever and funny girl). I think (me, oh wise one with 4 1/2 months of experience with two children) that my feelings changed about the possibility of being home with my children because my confidence as a mother just seemed to bloom. Suddenly going to the grocery store with infant in tow does not seem all that daunting. It follows that going to the same grocery store with two isn't that daunting either. And with a good list, some snacks and a whole lotta deep breathing it can be done. So, I began to question how invested I was to returning to work full time and how intrigued I was about staying with, teaching and playing at home with our children, I decided I needed an outlet for considering this decision. (I really began to question it when I received a letter that tuition at "school" was going up - I addressed those immediate feelings with a few cups of moose tracks ice cream). Thus, this blog.

I have been fortunate, I know, to have a job that allowed me to take a 6 week full time hiatus and a 12 week part-time gig, where much of the work I do is at home. But even I know when I'm pushing things so back to work I go. I am also fortunate, I know, to have our children cared for by people who I like a lot, trust and who provide enriching and fun activities for our children. So, going back to work when my day will be delightfully interrupted by pictures of Mr. Snuggles and notes about Peach being a leader is certainly more tolerable.

Throughout this writing journey I hope to explore my own thoughts and feelings about balancing working in my career and working in creating a home and working to raise two children in this ever changing world. When I thought a blog was the best way to process through this decision (input from readers is essential!), I thought I would write for a while and miraculously a decision would seem obvious! Quit my current job, change jobs, go part-time, keep my job, etc. -- whatever it was, an answer would be at the end of this rainbow blog. But I'm not so sure. I just know it will be a journey worth taking.